Potty Training, Not for the faint of heart

I was going to write about the incredibly deep conversation I had with my two year old this morning, but she woke me up entirely too early to actually remember what we talked about. It was something to do with the sun, the moon and some other crap that my brain refused to retain out of protest. Just because the sun came up doesn't mean that we should wake up too. Just saying. So instead I'm going to write about my frustration level with her peeing in her pants.
I should be grateful that she's even as far along with her potty training as she is, seeing as she's not even three yet. She wears panties all day long. She does wear a pull up at night time, but it's usually dry when she wakes up. For the most part, at home, she has very few accidents. However, there have been some accidents that have been at some awfully inconvenient places and times. There was this one time, a few weeks ago, when we took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese and she was in the climbing play thing, in the tunnel that went above where people walk. I think you can see where I'm taking this. Needless to say, there were a few people who got an involuntary golden shower.  Now, maybe we should have gone home when that had happened. But we had a lot of tokens left and we were there just as much for ourselves and the kids. Hey, it was our birthday the next day!! So I did what any mother who spent good money on tokens and didn't want to leave until they were all gone would do, walked down to Burlington Coat Factory and bought her some new shorts (clearance rack of course). The shorts ended up being a little big on her though, and we all got to see her plumber's crack the rest of the night. (Just like her daddy.)
Like I had said though, she rarely had accidents like that. Ever since the whole hurricane thing, and being up at a friends house, she's simply too busy to actually use the potty. She only wants to wear pull ups during the day now, because she knows that she's going to have accidents. Of course I refuse to let her do that, in fear that she'll regress so much that we'll have to start all over with the potty training. On our first full day back in Harrisonburg, we went to my old work and the kids were playing in the play place. They had been in there all of 10 minutes when Cole comes to tell me that she peed in there. I, of course because the universe seems to think it's funny to laugh at me, was wearing a dress and had to climb up into the play place to clean it up. I wasn't going let someone else do it. Since we were in town, I just went to get her some new panties (she was in a dress, don't worry).
After going to the store, we went to visit another friend in good ole West Verginie, where she peed her pants again. I know her routine is off, but I mean, come on child!! You know where the potty is. You know how to use it. I never have to get after her anymore at home, she just goes. Now, I feel like I have to make her go pee every 30 minutes like back when we started. I'm trying to have more patience with it, but I kinda enjoyed having her go potty when she needed to. It's nice to not have her in diapers, or pull ups and not even need help going potty (except after number 2, she needs a little help with that one). I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up, and do a little more laundry until things get settled again. We'll see!!

Meditation with a five year old

The last couple of days, there has been so much excitement that the kids sleep schedules have been all kinds of jacked up. Yesterday, we drove out to good ole West-by-God-Virginia and visited some friends. I figured this trip would wear them out and they would go to bed a normal time and get some much needed rest, for them and for me. You'd figure I'd have learned by now that things don't work like that. My friend's kids were getting into bed because they both of school today (we still have no power at all) so I figured that my kids would get the point that it's bed time. I laid them down, first together in the big bed. After about 5 minutes of being quiet, they start to get progressively louder and louder. Alright, that's not going to work. I walk in to separate them to find that Livi was holding a pillow over Cole's face. Nice. Livi was put on the mat on the floor.
10 more minutes go by. Livi was still screaming about being put on the floor, and Cole was getting annoyed cause she was being so loud. They are tired to a point beyond reason. After threatening them with being grounded until the second coming of Jesus, they decided to quiet down. Good choice I'd say. Then I made a really silly mistake. I actually thought that I'd be able to have an adult conversation! How ridiculous of me! After about 30 minutes of going back and forth, I realized that I was going to have to actually calm them down in order for them to be able to relax enough to go to sleep. They were simple too far gone into it to just go to sleep like that.
So I lay down with them and start to rub Cole's back. I figured that we could do some visualization and that might take his mind off of being all riled up and work his imagination a little so he could unwind. I asked what he wanted to think about and the response I got was typical of Cole. Battling. Fighting. The conversation went like this:
Me: Uh no. Let's think about a big field, with tall grass that you can run in. 
Cole: That I can fight in.
Me: The wind is blowing, and the sun is warm on your face while you play.
Cole: While I battle the bad guys

Okay, so the field scene didn't work. On to the next one.
Me: Okay, so let's think about......the ocean! Yes, the ocean.
Cole: With sharks.
Me: NO, no sharks. Sharks are stressful, no sharks.
Cole: Yes sharks. They live in the ocean.

Forget it. What I really needed was that great bedtime story, "Go the Fuck to Sleep". Follow the link below to hear Samual L. Jackson read it. It's just amazing.
Go the Fuck to Sleep

Co-sleeping, why it's not for me.

The hurricane was rough for us. I know that we're not on the coast, but from what I'm hearing, we got hit harder then Norfolk here in Richmond! There are downed trees all over the city and we lost power Saturday night. It's Monday morning, we still have no power and word on the street is that we won't have it back for about a week. There is no way I'm staying in a house with two kids and no power. It's just got happening. So we loaded up the car last night and the kids and I headed up north to stay with a friend for a few days. We are so grateful!! She even gave up her room for us!
We got in late last night and the kids were all amped up to be at a friends house, but were totally exhausted from being up in the heat all day. Technology has spoiled us. Of course the kids didn't want to go to sleep because they were too excited. Finally, I get them to sleep, and even though there was a little futon on the floor, both of the kids insisted on sleeping with me in the bed. Alright, well it's not like I could let one sleep with me and not the other one too. So we all piled in the bed and got all relaxed to go to sleep. Now, maybe it's because we never sleep in the same bed. Maybe it's because they were distraught about the whole hurricane and the effect that it's had on everything. Either way, the kids felt the need to be crammed up my butt the whole night. Livi wanted to sleep with her face on mine, Cole wanted to sleep with his knees on my back. They tossed and turned so much it was just crazy. I'm getting more tired just thinking about how tired I am right now.
Do people really do this every night? I remember a time when Cole used to sleep in my bed. But it was just him and he was much much younger and smaller. Now he's a 5 1/2 year old who is the same size as some 2nd graders! People frequently think that Livi is at least 4. How can people sleep with giant children like that? Especially children that are not only freakishly huge, but move like they have restless leg syndrome. There were knees in my back, butts in my face, elbows being thrown and feet flying everywhere. It's a miracle that no one fell off the bed. I didn't get hardly any sleep at all. After all that tossing and turning, my kids still woke up at the butt crack of dawn! I mean really?? Why would they want to be up that early? Where did they get this morning people crap from? Wherever it was from, I'm not a fan.
Co-sleeping is not for me. While I love to cuddle with my kids during a movie, right before they go to sleep (in their own beds) or when they have a bad dream, they are just not friendly sleepers. There is no way I could possibly get any rest with the two of them in my bed. Man, I need a nap already. It's only 8:45! It's going to be a long day.

Nap Times....Not just for the kids

So let's talk about naps. I know I could use one right about now. I had to work at 8 this morning, after being at work until almost 11 last night. As I sit here, watching the hurricane hit the city, I think 'man, this is good napping weather.' My kids are the ages now where they really do still need naps, but think that they don't. They aren't tired. But, if for some reason they don't actually sleep, may Jesus have mercy on us. They are terrors. They just want to fight each other, and anything else that gets in their way. If they will submit and take a nap, then they are usually pretty agreeable.
I think we all know, realize and recognize the benefits for the kiddos to take a nap. But this blog isn't about that. It's about being real, and the real reason why we want our kids....no NEED our kids to take a nap some days. We need it. We need the peace. The quiet. The break from the insanity of the constant bickering. He's looking at me, she touched my toys, he's breathing my air. It goes on and on. They fight so much, I have called my parents to apologize for the way my brother and I were when we were growing up. They can't seem to play well together, but they won't leave each other alone either. I wish I could say it will get better when they get older, but why am I going to lie to myself? At least, par some disaster of Cole getting held back or Livi getting bumped ahead, they won't have to be in the same grade!
There are days when I practically beg them to take a nap. I've even tried to bribe them. If you take a nap, then you can watch a movie when you wake up. Or we'll go to the library. Or something that is equally awesome and something that I would actually do. I never make promise I can't keep, that's just asking for trouble. If they don't take the break that I know that they need, because they are only really terrible when they don't get enough sleep (or if they're hungry, those kids are like gremlins!) then I won't get a break all day. I will be on edge, and get super mad about every little thing. What fun is that for anyone? And once you've gone down that road, it's hard to get off that I'm-angry train.
Nap time or quiet time is crucial in maintaining the sanity of a mother. In fact, I think I might take a nap right now......

A piss-poor way to start the day. (Pun very very much intended)

Today has started as any other day would normal start. It's the ass-crack of dawn and the kids are up playing. As I get up to tell them to get their butts back into bed, Cole tells me that Livi is in the potty. This is actually great news. See, she's almost three and about 95% potty trained. I turned my attention to the bathroom, where she is sitting in the dark because she can't reach the light switch. As soon as she sees me, she announces with pride, 'I'm pooping!' Awesome. This is exactly how I had envisioned my day starting. I patiently waited for her to finish so that I could wipe her hiney. Oh a mother's dream. At least I don't have to buy diapers anymore.
After getting her all settled back into bed, I realized there is no way I'm going to be able to go back to bed. So I got my glasses and headed down stairs. I tried to get the dog to come down with me, but she's lazy too and just looked at me like I was crazy for wanting her to get up out of her comfy bed. Fine. I'll go by myself. As any mother would say, I'm sure, there is nothing like the peaceful time in the morning when for some crazy reason, you're the only one up and the house is still quiet. It lets me wake up in peace and helps me be a calmer person. Like right now, there are bangs and crashes coming from up stairs followed by some gun sounds. I'm calm as a bunny. See what an hour of mommy-time can do?
After being the domestic diva that I'm certianly not, and making the kids a nice hot breakfast of scrambled eggs and cheese with toast (hey, it's hot and the kids don't realize how easy it is to make okay? Don't judge me.) I call them down and go upstairs to finally shoo the dog down to go outside. In the time it took me to go upstairs and collect the dog, Cole finished eating and wanted a drink. Figuring that her bathroom needs were not dire, I went to grab the kids a glass of juice before I took her out. While I was pouring the second little glass, I hear Cole, 'Mom! Bama's peeing on the floor!!' Really dog? Really??? Your lazy ass didn't even want to get out of bed, and now you have to go to the bathroom so badly, that you couldn't hold it for 35 seconds? Seriously? Between the dog and the 2 year old, why is someone always peeing on the floor? I'm totally going to put a pull-up on this dog. It's going to happen.
All this and it's only now just after 10am. I still have to go to work today. At least the kids are being good!

Back to school shopping, this shit sucks

So my son is going to kindergarten. And of course, he has grown like a good 6 inches since last fall. His pants look like high water pants, which could be a good thing because of the whole hurricane thing, but for fashion's sake, not so much. He's already going to be the minority in his school as it is, so let's at least have some pants that fit right? Once I kissed Livi good bye, and convinced her that I would indeed come back, I loaded Cole up into the car. First stop was the 7-11 to hit up the ATM because my "awesome" bank has like zero ATM's and you can use the ones there with no charge. Hey, I'm cheap, so what? Those surcharges are outrageous! One can not go into 7-11 and not get a refreshing beverage, so of course I have to get Cole one. Drinks in hand, we were off to the mall.
Shopping with a man is bad enough. Shopping with a 5 year old, now that's something totally different. The first store was actually ok. He was into it, helping me pick out the clothes. Of course he was excited, they had Stars Wars shirts, his new obsession. (He gets that geek side from his father, we all know that.) Almost $100  later, we are on to the next store, with what's starting out to be a pretty bitchin' wardrobe. Okay, okay this wardrobe was heavily influenced by me. He's 5, he knows nothing of fashion and if I let him pick it out, everything would have something to do with Star Wars and I refuse to let him be "that" kid!!
On the way to the next store, I wanted to check out this neat little store that had an eclectic collection of clothes, jewelry and bags. I suppose my first mistake was thinking it wasn't all about him. What ever was I thinking? He was a little grumpy that there were no toys, no cool boy stuff for him. After about, lets say 30 seconds, he started to express his dislike for this store in a typical boy way. 'There's no cool stuff here, it's boring, waahh wahh'. But for the most part we made it through the whole experience unscathed. On to the next store. This store was not as exciting for Cole, but we were still shopping for him and they had a tv in the back so he was down! I was left to pick out the majority of the clothes in peace while he chilled and watched cartoons. Whatever, sometimes it's just easier that way.
Apparently, I didn't learn my lesson with that first store I wanted to look at, and I attempted to look at a shoe store. This is when all hell broke loose. He grabbed the wall and was like 'I'm not going in there! NOOOOO!!! Don't make me do it!' I mean, like I was walking him down death row. It's just a few pairs of heels. Mommy can't always wear flip-flops. So now it's a power struggle. If I cave and don't go into the store, then he's won. If I drag him in the store, then I run the risk of a) embarrassment and b) that he'll knock down a display of ridiculously expensive shoes that I'd only be able to afford if I didn't feed myself or my children for two weeks. Hey, some of those shoes are totally worth it. Just saying.
So what to do? Well, of course I dragged his little ass right into that store. Other people be damned. I am the parent. I made sure to keep his arms close to him while we were in there though. I didn't even look at those delicious shoes. I pulled him to the back of the store, ignoring those evil looks, and then calmly walked back out. Point proven. Now it was time to buy him some shoes, but payless always has great sales and that whole BOGO thing and I'm not about to pay 67 dollars for shoes that he's going to wear for maybe six months. That of course meant leaving the mall, which in his fantic "I'm looking at girly things and it's going to kill me" state, he thought that leaving meant he was going to be in trouble. The fit that ensued was just plain bananas. The yelling and pulling of my arm was just out of hand. I feel like I need to explain that Cole is about the same size (if not bigger) as a 2nd grader. People are looking at me with all kinds of evil and hateful looks. Like they have never seen a temper tantrum. I mean, come on. It happens. Why do people always react like that? Like it's not embarrassing enough to have a child have a break down, but now you've got judging eyes all over you. What am I suppose to do? Give in and give him everything his little heart desires? Excuse my language, but Fuck that, with a capital F. That is the reason so many teenagers today have the terrible attitudes they have. No respect for authority. I will do everything in my power to make sure that's not my kids.
The entire car ride home, because the good Lord knows I wasn't about to bring him into another store, I learned my lesson, was him screaming about how he didn't want to go home. Like I would really bring him anywhere while he was acting like that. I thought that maybe he would tire himself out in the 20 minute ride home, but oh no. I underestimated him. I think the volume actually increased. That shit was crazy. I couldn't get home fast enough.
After getting him home, and spanking his little behind, I of course came downstairs and felt like a total failure. Why? I mean, it was what needed to happen. That behavior is not ok, but I began to let on the guilt about how is it that my child couldn't even behave in the mall? What have I done wrong? What I really want to know is, why is that the first place my head went? That it's all my fault? He's going through a lot right now, and he doesn't know how to express his frustration, his anger and well, he just had a bad day. Couldn't that be it? Why does it have to be this big long reason that is ultimately my fault? I need to give myself a little slack.

So now it's your turn. Was there one time your child lost their minds in public that you totally blame yourself for?

Let's get this thing started.....

I started this whole process as a book. A book about my crazy life and my crazy kids and just my feelings on the whole matter. My honest, sarcastic, jaded and sometimes it's not pretty. Kids change everything. Your body, your sleep pattern, your sanity...Mostly your sanity. These changes can make you into a better person, they can make you into a crazy person, for me it's a mixture of both. I now have an excuse to be the silly, weird person I've been my entire life. Now it's okay because I'm just entertaining my kids.
My kids make me nuts. They make me angry, they make me laugh. There are days when I think there couldn't possibly be naughtier children in the world, and then I see Supernanny and I feel so much better because I'm not alone! I know, from talking to my friends, that they too feel the same way I do. Scatterbrained, frustrated, overwhelmed, happy, sad, at times like a failure, and a list of other emotions that goes on and on. It's about time that more people start talking about this extremely valid feelings so mothers can stop feeling like they are only ones who want to bring their kids into the wrestling ring and give them a good suplex. We are not bad mothers. We are real woman, who had real lives before our kids and are struggling with the compromise that comes with motherhood.
I'll share my story and I can only hope that it will make you laugh and say, that is so true! I encourage you to comment, to share with your friends, to agree, to disagree, to laugh silently (or out loud) or whatever it is that you feel you need to do. Later ladies!