Derby did more than just save my soul

So everyone who knows me knows that I have been doing Roller Derby for just over a year. If you didn't know that about me, then you clearly don't listen and you're probably not reading this any damn way. This past year has changed so much about my body and even more about my mindset. People say that "derby saved my soul". Some people don't find that to be the case. I can only speak of my personal experiences with derby and what it has done for me. If you can relate to this is some way, fantastic. If you can't....that's a damn shame. You should do something that challenges you and changes you. It doesn't have to be derby!!

When I started derby last year, I knew that this was something that i really wanted to do. I had been waiting and wanting to do this for about 4 years or so. There just wasn't a good time and always an excuse not to do. Granted, it is quite the investment to get started, what with all the gear you need to have. Finally, after many excuses and rationalizing why I couldn't spend that kind of money on myself, I was actually at a point where this was going to happen. 

Many people know what brought me here to Texas and if you don't, well I don't really feel like rehashing it. I'm here now and that's basically all that matters. I needed to find myself again. My confidence had been shaken, and I felt like an all around failure. I figured this was the time to put my energy into derby as a distraction. I needed something to focus on and I had no idea what this was actually going to do for me. 

Going to my first practice was a little intimidating. I didn't know any of these women. I had been living in Texas for a month and the only people I knew were family and the one friend I had here. My league is blessed to have their own facility, but walking in there for the first time on my own was a big deal to me. I didn't do things on my own, not if I could avoid it, but this was something I was doing for myself. This was a dream and goal coming to life and I was ready for it, well as ready as I could be. Expecting to feel like an outsider, I was not prepared for how warm and welcoming they were. I immediately felt at home there. I'm not saying that's how it will be for everyone, but that's how it was for me. This was what I was looking for. 

After that first practice, that was it. I had drank the kool-aid and I was not going back to life without derby. How could I? This was amazing. I might have become a little obsessed. I felt strong again. I felt like maybe my life wasn't such a mess. (I mean, let's be honest, it is. But at least while I was on the track, I didn't feel that way!) Things started to click and fall into place. Skating made me feel free and empowered. It became a metaphor for my life. You get hit, you fall, you get back up as fast as you can. Keep skating. It's not over until the final whistle. You keep chasing that jammer. You might laugh at me and say that's silly. It's just a game. I say to you, you don't get it and that's okay. You don't have to. It's not for you. It's for me. That's the other thing derby gave me back. My voice. I can say again, I don't need your permission. I don't need your approval. I don't need your validation. Because I'm not living my life for you. Do I want your support? Hell yes. But if you don't, and you can't understand why I do this sport where I go flying across the track and get back up and hug the girl who hit me, I'm not sure what to tell you. Because this sport is fantastic. Suck it. 

Derby also gave me a new respect for my body. I have zero desire to have a thigh gap. (My phone will surely fall in the toilet if I had one. That's why I can't have nice things.)I don't want to be skinny, I want to be strong. We have a saying on my team 'Bigger the ass, harder to pass'. For my birthday, my parents even got me a necklace that says 'booty by derby'. And Lord is that ever the truth. My ass can not be contained by single digit jeans. And finally, I'm okay with that. I own it. I wear booty shorts to skate it. I wore leggings as pants. A year ago, never would have happened. Today, I dare someone to say something about it. No really. Please do, because this booty is GLORIOUS! Actually, don't say anything about because I still don't know how to take a compliment and will end up doing my "dress has pockets" dance. 

​This is a lot of words. And props to you for reading them all. I just had a case of the feels today about derby and am trying to get back into writing (thanks for the push Piggy!). What better way to get back into it then writing about something you love. If you have any questions about derby, my journey or whatever, I'm a pretty open book. Just ask.