It's time to admit, I might need some help.

Ornithophobia - a type of specific phobia, an abnormal, irrational fear of birds.


Most people know that I suffer from this phobia. A lot of people think it's a humorous phobia and will tag me in pictures of birds and send me photos of flocks of birds hanging out on the telephone wires. I'm not really sure people understand how big of a phobia this is for me. I mean, I get it. It's kinda silly. It's an irrational fear. Part of my brain realizes that it's silly, and I am incredibly thankful for that part. Without that part of my brain, I would probably have crashed my car a million times by now. 

I have to take a moment and collect myself right now. Even writing about this topic is making my heart race and is making me sweat. But I've got my Abita Pecan beer here, so I'll drink my way though this. What prompted me to really face this happened today. I really had thought I was getting better with this fear. For those who don't really know, my fear is of large flocks of birds in particular. I can do one bird, or pretty tropical birds in pet stores. But a large flock....forget it. Okay, so I was getting better, or that's what I thought. There is an intersection that I drive through on my way to work that has hundreds of birds just sitting on the wires, making so much noise I can hear them over my radio. But, every morning, I don't loose my shit. I feel my anxiety raise, my palms get sweaty, and I have to check my breathing but I don't lose my shit. I make it through the light. 

I can coach myself through the birds if I can see them coming. I don't get panicked by smaller flocks anymore. It still stresses me out, but I can manage. I thought I was doing better. But today....I was driving to my mom's house to feed her fish. I haven't driven over there in awhile, and not since most of the birds have come down for the fall. I forgot about this intersection. 423 and Main. The birds love that intersection. Fucking love it. Must be the 7-11, I dunno. As I am approaching the intersection, at least 200 birds start to do their flock-swarm-flying-birdnado bullshit. I lose my shit. I mean, I literally lose my shit. If that light had been red, I would have ran it. If a cop would have tried to pull me over, not today buddy. I screamed. I broke out into an immediate sweat. I got chest pains, and was lightheaded. I couldn't catch my breath. I was on the verge of tears. 

It. Was. Terrifying. I realized, not in that moment because all I could think of was get me the hell out of here, I need to get help for this. This is just out of control. I can't live like this. Unless I plan on moving out of Texas, which apparently is the migration destination....I'm screwed if I can't get over this fear. 

I wanted to share this to a)maybe help me get over it b) help people understand just how big of a phobia it truly is and c) to ask...no beg of you, please stop tagging me in bird shit. I mean, really. Otherwise, I'm going to find out your fear and start posting that shit on your wall. Don't be an asshole. 

Derby did more than just save my soul

So everyone who knows me knows that I have been doing Roller Derby for just over a year. If you didn't know that about me, then you clearly don't listen and you're probably not reading this any damn way. This past year has changed so much about my body and even more about my mindset. People say that "derby saved my soul". Some people don't find that to be the case. I can only speak of my personal experiences with derby and what it has done for me. If you can relate to this is some way, fantastic. If you can't....that's a damn shame. You should do something that challenges you and changes you. It doesn't have to be derby!!

When I started derby last year, I knew that this was something that i really wanted to do. I had been waiting and wanting to do this for about 4 years or so. There just wasn't a good time and always an excuse not to do. Granted, it is quite the investment to get started, what with all the gear you need to have. Finally, after many excuses and rationalizing why I couldn't spend that kind of money on myself, I was actually at a point where this was going to happen. 

Many people know what brought me here to Texas and if you don't, well I don't really feel like rehashing it. I'm here now and that's basically all that matters. I needed to find myself again. My confidence had been shaken, and I felt like an all around failure. I figured this was the time to put my energy into derby as a distraction. I needed something to focus on and I had no idea what this was actually going to do for me. 

Going to my first practice was a little intimidating. I didn't know any of these women. I had been living in Texas for a month and the only people I knew were family and the one friend I had here. My league is blessed to have their own facility, but walking in there for the first time on my own was a big deal to me. I didn't do things on my own, not if I could avoid it, but this was something I was doing for myself. This was a dream and goal coming to life and I was ready for it, well as ready as I could be. Expecting to feel like an outsider, I was not prepared for how warm and welcoming they were. I immediately felt at home there. I'm not saying that's how it will be for everyone, but that's how it was for me. This was what I was looking for. 

After that first practice, that was it. I had drank the kool-aid and I was not going back to life without derby. How could I? This was amazing. I might have become a little obsessed. I felt strong again. I felt like maybe my life wasn't such a mess. (I mean, let's be honest, it is. But at least while I was on the track, I didn't feel that way!) Things started to click and fall into place. Skating made me feel free and empowered. It became a metaphor for my life. You get hit, you fall, you get back up as fast as you can. Keep skating. It's not over until the final whistle. You keep chasing that jammer. You might laugh at me and say that's silly. It's just a game. I say to you, you don't get it and that's okay. You don't have to. It's not for you. It's for me. That's the other thing derby gave me back. My voice. I can say again, I don't need your permission. I don't need your approval. I don't need your validation. Because I'm not living my life for you. Do I want your support? Hell yes. But if you don't, and you can't understand why I do this sport where I go flying across the track and get back up and hug the girl who hit me, I'm not sure what to tell you. Because this sport is fantastic. Suck it. 

Derby also gave me a new respect for my body. I have zero desire to have a thigh gap. (My phone will surely fall in the toilet if I had one. That's why I can't have nice things.)I don't want to be skinny, I want to be strong. We have a saying on my team 'Bigger the ass, harder to pass'. For my birthday, my parents even got me a necklace that says 'booty by derby'. And Lord is that ever the truth. My ass can not be contained by single digit jeans. And finally, I'm okay with that. I own it. I wear booty shorts to skate it. I wore leggings as pants. A year ago, never would have happened. Today, I dare someone to say something about it. No really. Please do, because this booty is GLORIOUS! Actually, don't say anything about because I still don't know how to take a compliment and will end up doing my "dress has pockets" dance. 

​This is a lot of words. And props to you for reading them all. I just had a case of the feels today about derby and am trying to get back into writing (thanks for the push Piggy!). What better way to get back into it then writing about something you love. If you have any questions about derby, my journey or whatever, I'm a pretty open book. Just ask.